


The Shadows That Hide Us

by AStarlightMonbebe



Series: Sleeping just to numb the pain [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Felix got murdered :////, Jeongin is kind of mentally unstable, Mentions of Violence, So kind of a mystery suspense?, This is kind of dark honestly, Voice transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-02 00:39:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15785403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AStarlightMonbebe/pseuds/AStarlightMonbebe
Summary: The following is a voice transcript of a video filmed by patient Yang Jeongin, ward A, room 304."It all started when Felix died."





	The Shadows That Hide Us

**Author's Note:**

> So...this was going to be short but it turned into 8,000 words *sweats*. I don't think I can write short things. Also, this is kind of a new style/type of writing for and I am pretty proud as to how it turned out!
> 
> Warning: this is kind of a dark story. It was inspired by like several things and it's a suspense thriller murder mystery, so be warned.

_The following is a transcript of a video by patient Yang Jeongin, ward A, room 304._

“Hello.  My name is Yang Jeongin.  I am a patient in ward A of the hospital, room 304.  Today, I am here to tell you the reason I’m here-the story behind this all.”

_*nervous cough*_

“I have been a patient at this hospital for almost three months and have gone through extensive therapy and psychological treatment.  This was recommended by both my therapist and psychologist, in hopes that recounting the events that have landed me here, spiraling out of control, will help me to recover and move on from this trauma.”

_*YJN takes a deep breath*_

“My name is Yang Jeongin.  I am a seventeen year old male, from Busan, and this is the story of what happened.”

* * *

 

“Everything started when Felix died-no, it had all started long before that, but it was Felix’s death that opened our eyes to the world around us.  I was fifteen then…when I met them that is. I had just moved from Busan, since my parents had gotten a divorce.”

_*an awkward laugh-patient seemed uncomfortable*_

“I was always a quiet kid, kept my head down.  I never had a lot of friends either, both because of home problems and school issues as well…I was smart but I could never use it to do well, so I was always falling behind and then struggling in vain to catch back up.  It wasn’t like I was an outcast…but people just stayed away from me. It was like they could tell there was something ‘off’ about me-”

_*a pause*_

“But anyways, that’s not-let’s not….”

_*a longer pause*_

“That’s not what I’m supposed to talk about today.  I shouldn’t dwell on a past I’ve already tried to move on from.  As I was saying, earlier, is that…I met them when I started high school.  Not intentionally, in fact, I never thought our paths would ever cross, but….they did.”

_*a laugh*_

”I transferred in the middle of the semester, so there was some commotion.  Mostly I tried to avoid other people, not get in the way, but I started getting bullied.  I’m used to abuse, I mean to bullying, but I really thought I could avoid it this time. I guess there’s something about me that just sticks out no matter what.  At least they didn’t really physically hurt me, just trashed my textbooks, the usual crap.

I was planning on just lowering my head and taking it, but this idiot with orange hair just had to step in-”

_*patient genuinely laughed here, finding the memory funny*_

“To explain it more clearly, one day, when I was in the cafeteria, they tripped me.  I went sprawling, banged my head on a table on the way down, which really hurt. I remember just feeling like my head was splitting open as I laid on the floor-I guess I was bleeding but I didn’t realize it then.

Someone came over and started yelling at them; I could only make out their shoes, these dumb blue Converse that I kind of liked, but they were so beaten up and drawn on.  Also, the kid was a twig. I mean, I’m also a kid and a twig, and maybe it was the ‘head injury maybe concussion’ that made it all so funny, but there was this kid with carrot colored hair and a fisherman hat yelling while I enjoyed the view of his shoes.

I swear they were about to beat him up, but then this other person came over crouched next to me.  My first impression on them was that they were short but looked like the scariest person in the room, in all black with those heavy combat boots that can break your ribs with a well aimed kick.  I know that because, well, it’s happened to me. By the owner of those boots, but that’s later, another story.

Anyways, they-he-helped me to my feet, and then he glared at the bullies.  If I was them, I would have been terrified, which they were. Mostly I was feeling woozy, so I can’t recall much of it, except they took me to the nurse.  I do remember thinking that it was weird, people showing that they cared. I must have said it out loud as well, because the orange haired one told me, and I quote;

‘Not everyone at this school are jerks, you know.  You should be more careful, you’re dripping blood all over the floor.’  I’m not sure if he was trying to be nice or cruel, but I smile when I think back on it.

Later, when I woke up, I found out that their names were Han Jisung and Seo Changbin respectively-Jisung with the orange hair and Changbin in all black.  You probably recognize those names if you’ve read through the newspapers or my files. I know a lot of people call them the bad guys, and maybe they are, were, but at that moment they were the first people who had bothered to even talk to me.  

I’ve never felt much love before, so I don’t know if it was them being kind that made me trust them or something else, but we became friends.  Sort of. Mostly it was Jisung who took all the steps to including me after that; walking to classes together and sitting together at lunch, waiting for me at my locker so I wouldn’t have a chance to be bullied.  

If you’re watching this through a screen, if you’ve read about it in your tabloids or whatever, you don’t get it.  You don’t fu-I mean, you don’t flipping understand any of it. This isn’t an entertainment show. You didn’t know Jisung, I did, and even if you guys are saying he did a lot of bad things, he was kind to me, okay?!  He was kind to me when nobody else freaking was-!”

_*there was a ten minute break for patient to regain control of his emotions and breathing*_

“I’m sorry about that.  It just, it’s been really difficult, trying to reconcile the people everyone’s saying they are with the ones I knew and called my friends.  It doesn’t make sense, no matter how much I think about it, but—it’s been three months, and I can’t move on from this yet.

Going back to my story, it was through Jisung that I met Hyunjin and Felix and Minho.  The three of them were a dance crew that mostly performed underground. They were so cool, like an untouchable clique that was at the top but not with the top, if that makes sense.  I’d seen them in the hallways, and I was always a bit in awe at the sight of them, like they were right off the cover of a magazine. Which they are now, in a sense. I’m glad they didn’t get too involved with everything, honestly.  At least some of us are still ‘safe’.

At first I was really skeptical about the three of them.  I learned not to trust people-in fact it was weird that I even started to trust Jisung, a little bit in Changbin as well.  My instincts should have been screaming at me to keep my distance like they usually did, but for those two, they didn’t.

Still, there was something a little bit off about those three to me.  Maybe it was Hyunjin’s smile or how Minho always looked like he was keeping a secret, but it made me almost hate them.  I regret how against becoming their friends I was in the beginning, because that was so much precious time we could have had.  Felix was the one I liked the most, maybe because Jisung liked him the most.

I learned later that the two of them had history, which isn’t something I want to delve into right now.  It’s personal for the two of them, and even I don’t think I should have known about it, even if it was their choice to tell me.  Ah, but I shouldn’t keep talking about it.

I also got the feeling that they didn’t like me much, which is why it was surprising when Hyunjin helped me.  I need to rewind a bit for that sentence to make sense. It was a time when I was actually home for a night, not out until late like it had usually become.  It was easier, better that way, hanging out with my friends, usually at the tunnel the underground took place in, and not having to worry about harsh words or anything.         

It was a night when people were over, and I want to glaze over the details so that I can get through this.  Basically, it ended with a broken bottle slamming into my arm and slashing it, me running out before more could hit their actual mark this time.  I was crying I think, kind of numb, blood running between my fingers, and I was just panicking and trying to run away.

It occurs to me now that I didn’t know why Hyunjin was out that late at night, except he was there to catch me when I almost fell, eyes filled with concern.  He took me to the ER, and he waited with me while I got stitches and bandages. I guess he must have paid for it too, because I don’t remember them even asking about money.  I asked him not to tell anybody, and a part of me was sure he was nodding just to nod and then was going to blurt it out to the rest of them so they could laugh for hours, but he never did.  He didn’t tell anyone.

That was the turning point about what I thought about them.  There was something different between us, not exactly friendship but something close to it.  It was never as much with Minho, but I grew to respect him as well. And Felix, of course, just had a way of making everyone who met him love him instantly.  That’s why his death was so hard, partly, because it seemed impossible that someone who was loved so much and loved everyone else could have just _died,_ like that wasn’t something that was supposed to happen.      

We started hanging out together in this one big group.  I was always the center, and it was magical to me, suddenly becoming someone untouchable in the midst of all these unattainable people.  A nobody to somebody whose name you knew. I wasn’t used to it, and I wasn’t sure if I liked it, but it was safe there.

It made life a little more bearable.”

* * *

 

“I had just turned sixteen when I met Woojin and Seungmin.  They were transfers like me-let’s see, Woojin was a senior, and Seungmin was a junior if I remember right.  Then again, that was only last year. I saw them during lunch, or really Seungmin. My first impression was that he looked like I used to-a loner, an outcast-but more confident, like he didn’t even care.  He sat alone at a lunch table in the back with his earbuds in. Woojin came and sat down across from him, but he didn’t even look up. They ignored each other the whole lunch period, which I thought was weird.

Later I found out that they were stepbrothers, not real siblings, and things got explained, which I’ll get to.  I was going to go and greet them, but by that time it was too late. We talked about them; mainly about how little there was to say; which was weird because usually everyone knew everything.  

I didn’t talk to Seungmin until the following week, when I had to spend lunch in the library due to some assignment.  I saw that he was sitting at an empty table-after the first day he never came to the cafeteria again, and Woojin just sat with different people.  He was friendly to everyone, but they weren’t always back, yet it never seemed to deter him from trying. I really admired that.

Anyways, so I sat down next to Seungmin and I said hello, except he had his earbuds in, so I had to wave in front of his face to get his attention.  He looked really annoyed.”

_*a half laugh, patient smiled briefly*_

“He started to pack up and leave, but I convinced him to stay.  We started talking-well, I tried to engage him in conversation. Seungmin never really gave me a straight answer to any personal questions, which I didn’t pick up on then but can’t stop thinking about now.  It’s funny right?”

_*a short pause*_

“Seungmin gave off his angry, lonely vibe as well, but it was more toned down back then.  I mean, I would notice it from time to time when he got upset and didn’t say anything, or when he glared…yeah, there were points it made me feel unsettled, but who was I to judge?

One thing I did learn was that Seungmin didn’t like talking about Woojin, even if they would walk together.  He always made a point to ignore him, but Woojin never gave up either. So I had to talk to Woojin separately, which was easy because he and Minho had become friends.  It took a couple weeks for him to be fully welcomed into our group, mostly because Changbin and Jisung took a little time trusting him.

I learned that those two-Changbin and Jisung that is-had a hard time welcoming new people.  Hyunjin told me once that it had been Jisung and Changbin for a long time before it had also become Jisung and Felix, and even then there was something that had clicked for those three.  I’m not sure why Felix never really hung out with them one on one then, maybe he just found Hyunjin and Minho and it turned out that way. Anyways, Hyunjin told me that it took a long time for himself and Minho to be treated like they were friends, to be trusted.  I remember that surprised me, since they all seemed so close.

I asked Seungmin once if he wanted to hang out with my friends and I, and he just told me no and not to ask him again.  I was hurt by that for a while, but I just acted like I had gotten over it. Thinking back on that, which is something I’ve done multiple times by now, just replayed it over and over in my head, he was really angry.  His eyes were flashing, his tone was so snappish-but I didn’t even realize it, I just thought he was being his usual blunt and antisocial self.

I don’t know exactly how, when, or why my friendship with Seungmin became a sort of secret, but it did.  We never hung out at the same time, I never talked about him either. Mostly we saw each other at the one class where I was at an advanced level for once and Seungmin a mediocre one for once.  We only hung outside of school a handful of times; I asked Seungmin way more than that, but he always had excuses.

He always had his freaking excuses.”

_*note that last sentence was very bitter, there was a long stretch of silence afterwards*_

“It wasn’t like I was living two different lives, it was just two different parts of the same one.  Somehow, Seungmin and I became close despite what little time we seemed to spend together. He didn’t text or call much-it was like I was the one leading the relationship and keeping it from crashing into the ground.

Now, if you’ve been following the news, you’ll have realized that I’ve mentioned every name except for one.  Chan. Or Bang Chan, Chris, Bang Christopher, whichever one you’ve heard. That’s because Chan is complicated.

He was always at the school, but I guess I just never noticed him because he had never really made himself known.  Halfway through sophomore year, he was the person everyone was talking about. Why? You’re about to find out.”

_*patient winked with a crooked smile at this, but he didn’t look like he was happy*_

”The reason everyone was talking about Chan was because of the lawsuit.  A big, rich family was pressing assault charges. It was a criminal case, not a civil, which was part of why it was such a big deal.  Sometime over the break several kids had ended up in the hospital and Chan had walked out of it with nothing but a broken arm and a black eye.  

People were saying that _he_ wasn’t saying anything.  He was being completely emotionless about the whole thing, and he wasn’t denying nor confirming the charges.  He was like a dark horse, parting paths as he walked down hallways. Honestly, I wasn’t scared of him, but he did look very blank.

It was Changbin who approached him first.  He and Jisung had been talking about it for a while, but not for the same reason everyone else wanted to talk to him.  It was something else. Changbin stepped right up to him in the middle of the hallway and asked him to come to lunch. Chan just blinked-it was something we laughed about later, but I was clutching my books and hoping a fight wouldn’t break out.  Still, he came with us, still not saying anything.

I remember that Hyunjin grabbed my hand under the table, as if compelling me to keep under the radar-he was the only one of us who seemed actually scared of the boy with curly black hair and a bright pink cast.  He looked like he was trying to be brave, but his hand was shaking when he squeezed mine. It was strange of him, he was literally very pale. Usually nothing fazed my friends.

We all have skeletons in our closets, though.

Jisung asked Chan if we could sign his cast, and just like that he was automatically another one of his misfits.  He didn’t know it, but it was obvious that Jisung and Changbin had accepted it in. While we signed his cast, he asked; “Aren’t you going to ask if I did it?”  Like he had been waiting for that.

Changbin shook his head.  “I know you did.” He said and then he smiled, which was almost unnerving to me.  “I just want to know why.” Chan shook his head. “Maybe later.” He said, and Changbin looked angry for a minute, but he hid it well.  I had just become good at reading my friends. Though it turned out I wasn’t, not really.”

_*a bitter laugh*_

“So there was the eight of us, and then there was Seungmin on the outer edges, his only connection me.  Things started to become different a couple of months before Felix died-which would be around a little bit before I turned seventeen, so I’m guessing November?  Summer had been fun, so carefree, but school was slowly locking us back down, especially with Woojin, Chan, and Minho studying furiously for tests and college applications.  

Chan’s trial was coming up, and it had us all on edge.  Little changes were happening as well; Jisung was coming to school exhausted every single day and almost falling asleep at lunch.  It kept landing him detention when he slept in his classes, which he took without his usual complaints. Hyunjin was hanging out with us less and less, claiming it was because of school and dance, but even Minho would make time.

Changbin and Chan had become close friends, and I could tell that was the main reason Hyunjin was becoming more and more uncomfortable and far away.  I could tell Felix felt caught in the crossfire, Hyunjin would never hang out when Chan was around unless he was forced.

Me, on the other hand, well I was worried for Seungmin.  He was becoming more and more closed off, that cold anger brimming beneath the surface.  I had been hanging out with him less since my group and I had been doing more and more stuff together, even if it was just studying.  We really had become close, the family I had never had. You get it right? What it’s like to actually feel loved. Like you belong somewhere.  I don’t know if he was upset or not, but when he talked he was almost always annoyed and clipped with me. It was hurtful, honestly. It was like he didn’t think of me as someone worth his time, even though I treated him like a friend.

It was on a particularly bad day that we fought.  I had been unable to sleep and was a living zombie through my classes, failing a test and bombing a presentation.  At lunch the tensions had been high, Jisung was extremely stressed about something and he and Changbin weren’t speaking to each other either, making the whole table unbearable to sit at.  Jisung was kind of sick as well, he was wearing his mask and he looked like he hadn’t slept or eaten in days. I-I didn’t mention it to anyone, and it slipped my mind at the time, but when he moved, his shirt rode up and his abdomen was covered in purpling blue and black bruises.

I whispered to Felix at lunch that day to ask what was the matter, and he told me that he was pretty sure it had something to do with Changbin and Chan.  It was a cryptic answer, but Chan and Changbin had been talking more than usual while Jisung slipped into the shadows. It was weird if I thought about it then, like Jisung was uncomfortable with the two becoming so close.

Woojin sat down and he asked Chan what his plan was for the trial, and Chan had smiled back in this dark way, saying; “I don’t need a plan, even if they have evidence there’s no way they’ll win.  I’ll get away free, like I always do.” It was an unusual for Chan to talk like that, and Hyunjin had stood with a clatter, knocking his chair back, and bolted out of the cafeteria with his hand over his mouth.  

I was going to run after him, but Minho had already went, casting a nervous glance backward.  Chan had looked chastised, but as he bent his head to take a bite of rice, he smiled the tiniest bit.  It gave me this awful feeling in my stomach, and I felt kind of sick as well-Hyunjin had actually thrown up, Minho had texted Felix that he was taking him to the nurse.

I spotted Seungmin lingering by the doors, so I excused myself under the pretense of having to go to the library to study even though I had already taken the test, and left quickly.  Really, I just needed to get away. The group that was usually the one thing I looked forward to had become suffocating that day, and I couldn’t stand a minute later.

I went over to Seungmin and we went to an empty hallway where he had been sitting.  He asked me if I was okay, because I looked so pale, and I snapped back to ask him why he cared since he had been pretending like we didn’t even know each other lately.  I was upset and shaken, my nerves high strung that day. Seungmin’s face…he looked like I had slapped him or something, and I remember I kept jabbing at him because of that, asking him why he suddenly thought of me as a friend, why he was so hurt when that was what his words had been doing to me.  I wanted to make him mad like he usually was, but finally he just stood, looking at the tiles of the ceiling.

I remember what he said so clearly, because I think about that a lot too; “You’re so full of yourself, Jeongin.  You act like you’re such a great friend, but you’re worse than me. You’ve never once asked me if I was okay, you know?  You talk on and on about yourself and about school, but you never bothered to ask me about anything. Maybe, just maybe, I would have given you a straight answer for once if you’d asked, really asked me what was wrong.”

He grabbed his things and he started to leave, but he stopped after a few feet, turning back to add quietly; “I kept waiting for you to ask me, Jeongin.  I wanted you to ask me.” And then he ran away, and I know he was crying, but at the time I convinced myself I had seen wrong, since Seungmin never cried.  

I sat there for a long time, slowly realizing that everything he had said was right.  Besides the first time when I had asked about Woojin, I had never asked again. It was always how he was doing in school, if he’d passed the test, what his topic for the presentation was-boring and simple stuff like that.  I just assumed he was being moody like usual.

I was…a bad friend, to say the least.”

* * *

On my seventeenth birthday, I invited all my friends plus Seungmin to a small celebration, telling neither party that the other would be there.  I’m sure Seungmin probably guessed, but as I said earlier, the other seven had no idea I was even friends with Seungmin. I doubted even Woojin knew, though he might have had suspicions.

No matter what else was going on in their lives, everyone showed up.  I had and hadn’t been expecting it, it was a surprise but not really. I was really happy that day, it was one more year until I was out, a cold winter day, and I had brought cupcakes but that was all.  We were hanging out by the train tracks, near the abandoned train station we had made our hideout. No trains came through anymore, and the tracks had been closed off for years. They were warped and rusted over now.

I was really excited, for once in my life looking forward to something.  I had like this magical idea in my head of how it would turn out, or something, I don’t know.  Like in the movies or the music videos you know, magical like that? None of us...well maybe some of us...had any idea that it would be the last time we were together before everything fell apart, our friendship included.

Jisung had brought sparklers, those cheap packs you can buy in bulk.  He was looking more alive than he had in weeks, and it made me happy as well.  Seungmin came with a cake he had made himself, acting more shy and embarrassed than usual, but it showed he cared, at least.  That he at least thought something of our somewhat ended friendship. I could tell he was immediately on edge, but I just pulled him in and forced him into the center of the party.

Chan had gotten his cast off at the hospital that day-his arm hadn’t healed properly and they’d had to redo things, which is why the healing process took so long.  Woojin had took him, and Seungmin and he immediately went stiff when they say each other. I didn’t get what their deal was, and I still don’t, not really. The dance crew carpooled with Changbin.  We were all a little happier that day, running on high spirits and fun just for a couple hours.

We didn’t really do anything, but someone started playing music and then a pillow fight broke out.  I don’t know, a bunch of dumb stuff that teenagers do. At one point we covered the outside of the station in graffiti, everywhere, random and bright.  I think they cleaned up the walls by now, but I remember sending bright streaks of paint across it, adding tags in messy scrawl. Jisung was really good at it, and he and Hyunjin were teaching me how to do it ‘right’.  I’m not sure where Hyunjin learned it, but I was so caught up in how he didn’t even seem to be thinking about Chan and whatever it was that bothered it for once.

At about one in the morning or midnight, when we were all a little tipsy and high in happiness and just the euphoric feeling of it all, Hyunjin came up to me and asked where Felix was.  He was really worried, Minho anxious behind him. At first I laughed it off, since we had all been disappearing at odd times throughout the night, but when Hyunjin told me that nobody had seen him for an hour, we decided to go and look for him since we couldn’t reach his cell either.

We split into search teams; Chan and Changbin, Hyunjin and Minho, Woojin and Seungmin, and then Jisung and myself.  We were surrounded by trees, only the dim lights of our phone flashlights. I was a little creeped out of course, it was dark and cold and there was old snow crunching under our shoes when we moved.  The euphoria was wearing off, leaving us shivering and alone.

We had been searching for at least thirty minutes when Changbin cried out.  I froze, but Jisung didn’t even think and took off running, stumbling against trees.  I wonder if he already sort of knew, like I had, that everything was already gone.

When we broke through the trees to where the noise had come from, the first thing I registered was red in the flashlight’s eerie glow.  It took me a couple seconds to realize that snow shouldn’t be that color-“

_*patient was choked up, had to take a deep breath*_

“I couldn’t even look down, so I swept my light around in shaky sweep.  Seungmin was standing there, shivering in his t-shirt, blood caking his arms up to his elbows.  When I looked back at the ground, I saw that he had taken off his sweatshirt and used it to try to staunch the blood coming from Felix’s head.  Changbin looked like he was barely standing, just open mouthed, and Chan-Chan just stood blankly beside him, looking down almost curiously.

I remember how Jisung just crumpled next to me, falling to the ground silently, as if all his strength and will had left.  He was crying without making a sound, tears just sliding down his face, and I wanted to grab him and make him look away from Felix’s...from Felix’s bashed—“

_*choking sound*_

“I can’t even say it, it was too awful to describe.  I felt like throwing up.

Woojin, Hyunjin, and Minho came up then, and Woojin ran past to Seungmin.  He grabbed his wrists, shaking him and screaming something I heard but didn’t register.  I think he was asking what Seungmin had done, and Seungmin just gently took Woojin’s own wrist and put them down, saying; “I called the police.”  He was so calm, like he was working on autopilot.

Hyunjin made this gagging sound, covering his mouth and stumbling back into Minho, both pale as ghosts.  The flashlight in my hand kept shaking and bouncing around, and when I tried to make it steady I realized it as my hand trembling.  Sirens were blaring, flashing across the trees, blindingly bright and jarring.

I don’t really remember everything that happened after that, but I remember hands pulling me back, shoving me into the police car with Hyunjin and Chan, banging my head on the top of it because I resisted.  I was in the middle, Hyunjin huddled against the window breathing shallowly, Chan on the other with a faint, unreadable expression on his face as he stared out distantly.

They took us all to the station, I stupidly didn’t realize until they started talking that we were all suspects.  I guess if a kid dies in the middle of the woods, at a party with only other kids, you’re bound to be suspicious.

They told us that someone had hit Felix over the head several times, making it a murder even if it wasn’t premeditated.  I just sat there, wondering why the handcuffs were so cold, wondering why someone had killed Felix. The snow had swept all footsteps away, but I’m sure all eight of us knew that we had been the only ones around.  My mind was already turning, trying to put it all together, wondering why someone would want to kill our sunshine.

He kept asking us questions, but no one said anything.  We were all just stunned; there was still blood on Seungmin’s arms, drying and flaking, and it made him look paler.  I don’t even know if Jisung and Hyunjin were breathing, it was like they were slowly dying sitting there. Eventually we were all let go with a promise of further questioning, and when we went outside, Jisung fell against the wall and just slid down as if he couldn’t breathe.

I was just standing there, waiting for screaming or fights to start.  Changbin took off his cap and then threw it on the ground and stalked off.  Minho was crying softly, holding onto Hyunjin either to hold himself or Hyunjin up, I couldn’t tell.  Woojin took Seungmin’s hand and led him away, Seungmin stumbling behind him. I couldn’t move my mouth, just stood there silently until it was only Chan left.  He gave me a long look, something strange in his eyes, and then he turned and walked away into the snow.

_*shudders*_

I swear he smiled, I know I saw him smile.”

* * *

 

“After that, everything fell apart.  It was like a wrecking ball had swung and toppled us to the ground like dominoes.  You can guess what it was like. The whole school, no, the whole world watching us.  It was all over everything, so much that it made going out unbearable, yet I was forced to go to school and be quietly ridiculed every single day.

I hated it.  I hated everything.  I hated Felix’s funeral, standing there pathetically in a sad excuse of a suit, watching tears drip onto the floor was Hyunjin cried beside me.  They made us wait outside, and when Jisung tried to go in to pay respects, Felix’s parents had him thrown out. It ripped a hole in the knee of his pants, and he just sat there, sobbing, in the middle of the street.  No one moved to help him up, it was like we were all frozen.

Changbin didn’t even show up, but he came when I was leaving late at night, dressed in all black.  There was something off about his expression, but when he met my eyes I saw what looked back at me in the mirror.  I stood calmly, and I asked him; “What did you do?” He didn’t answer at first, just looked away, but when he did, he said; “I’ll kill whoever did that to him.”

His words were cold, furious, and I should have been terrified, but all I did was nod and leave.  Because isn’t that what we all wanted to do? Maybe that’s messed up, but I would kill-no, I would hurt whoever hurt Felix.  An eye for an eye. “

_*lips curved into a smile*_

“The police were investigating like crazy, especially with Felix’s parents pushing them so much.  They were pulling us in for questioning in the middle of class, at home, at night. I don’t know how legal it all was, but there was nobody fighting for us, except maybe Minho and Woojin.  They were moving onto conspiracy theories, that it was a planned murder by the whole group, or that some of us had been working together.

I tried to stay under the radar, but it was hard considering the only alibis we had were ones others had given, and even then we were all a little blurry about the night.  I was so clueless, so dumb that entire time, and when it all unraveled, I saw I was the one being lied to, being tricked, being held in the dark.”

_*lifeless smile m, half chuckle*_

* * *

“On February 9th, the early morning, Felix was murdered.

On March 2nd, Changbin attacked me in the middle of lunch and broke my ribs with a single kick of his boots.  I was just standing there and he ran up, screaming, and punched me, trying to choke me, break me, anything he could hurt he did.  Jisung ran forward and tried to pull him off, yelling too-my head was ringing too much from where it had hit the tiles to really understand and make out what they were saying.  Changbin sort of hurled him off and made him slam down on his arm really hard.

Teachers eventually stepped in and pulled him off me, but by then the damage was already far done.  I think I was choking on blood, but I remember that Chan had just stood behind Changbin and just watched the whole time.

On March 5th, they arrested Jisung and Seungmin for murdering Felix.”

* * *

 

“They said they had found the murder weapon, an old baseball bat.  Seungmin used to play baseball you know. He was a pitcher. They were calling the two of them accomplices, which makes no sense, because Seungmin and Jisung didn’t even know each other.  Or at least that’s what I thought.

Everything slowly unraveled after that, a long story of secrets and lies unfolding.  I don’t even know if I was shocked at half the things that came to the surface, I mostly just felt cold and angry and sad and hurt and everything all adding up into a numb nothingness.

They said-”

_*swallow*_

“They said that Jisung and Changbin had been caught up in so much stuff behind the scenes.  Gang business and robberies and drug deals; they were speculating that Jisung at least might have been an accomplice to other murders that had happened in the area.  None that I had paid attention to, they were on the other side of the city and didn’t involve anyone I knew.

They said a lot of things about Jisung, the most popular phrase being, ‘a smiling and energetic boy during the day turns into a cold blooded killer at night’.  It was like they had been following him for some time, analyzing the face masks and his absences from school, anything they could. He had been apparently doing illegal things for ages, as well as being linked to a gang that had been the cause of so many problems.  Apparently the age for joining was eighteen, which was the only reason he wasn’t a full blooded member yet.

With Changbin there was no speculating, because he stepped right up and told them all bluntly that he had left the gang a while ago and no longer had business with them; that he had had no idea what Jisung was planning as they had fought about Jisung not leaving a couple of weeks before Felix’s death and hadn’t really talked since.  I guess that explains the lunch period when they had been ignoring each other.

It was so cold, and I wanted to know why he had done that, why he had just dumped Jisung like that, but I wasn’t in any position to ask him.  Mostly I sat in the hospital and watched the news and read the newspapers and let everything sink in horribly, everything they said, everything I confirmed through Woojin and Minho, whoever was more willing to talk to me.

Most of the force had hit Jisung-he had been a nice kid, participated in sports and fundraisers, helped out the elderly, defended the weaker, gotten good kids.  They blew everything out of proportion, shoving him into the public eye and tearing him down within minutes, keeping at it even when there was nothing left. Brutal doesn’t even begin to describe it, it was more than that.  Vicious, brutal, disgusting…

They kept Seungmin out of it mostly, but they still put some of it on him, mostly because of the mental health problems they were claiming he had.  Depression, psychopathic brain scan...I don’t know, lots of things I didn’t know the definition for. I think the lawyers his parents had hired were trying to use that to their advantage and get him away from a lot of jail time, or something like that.”  

_*patient half smiled*_

“I tried to stay away from everyone else, but instead they came to me.  

One night I woke up to Chan fiddling with my IV, the half light of moonlight illuminating his curly hair.  Otherwise, he was in dark clothing. “What are you doing?” I asked sleepily. The nurse’s had been giving me sleeping pills, but they didn’t work that well, only made my head muddled.  

He turned, softly smiling in the eerie glow.  “You don’t have any questions? I thought you would.”  He shook his head slightly, crouching next to the bed. I was starting to wonder how he had even gotten in, but my head was hurting, and I still felt sleepy and dizzy.  “What do you mean?” Chan hmmed under his breath.

Maybe I thought I was dreaming, but I wasn’t scared then, so I asked him; “Chan, why is Hyunjin so scared of you?”  Chan sat back; we were eye to eye then. I felt weird, like he had put something in the IV, though I didn’t come to that conclusion until later.  “Hyunjinnie~” Chan said in a singsong voice, leaning back on his hands.

“Mmm...well, once upon a time Hyunjin and I were friends, but he didn’t like what I did to some of our other friends.”  Chan started, examining his nails. His eyes were glowing in the light, and I couldn’t tell if he was drunk or just acting like he usually did.  We had never talked much. “You remember how I got my cast, right?” I nodded, even though it seemed like a distant memory from everything that had happened between then and now.

“The year before that, when Jinnie and I were friends,”  I had never heard anyone but Felix and Minho call Hyunjin Jinnie, not even Jisung, who loved nicknames.  “Some of our group got wrapped up in something very bad, and it ended with some hospitalization...somebody died, but that was an accident.”

“What are you talking about?”  I asked him hoarsely, uneasiness creeping into my stomach.  Chan shrugged. “You know, I had to stop them. They were spreading crap, doing trashy things...they were bad people.  We were fighting, and one of them accidentally stumbled onto the train tracks and got hit. It didn’t get a lot of attention because people know how to keep quiet.  Hyunjin and I fought after that, and then we stopped being friends after I told him that why did it matter if it was just less piece of trash on the planet?”

I was quiet for a long time, not sure how to process this.  “Come to think, it’s funny how almost the exact same thing is happening right now.  Time is really circular, isn’t it?” Chan added, standing. “It wasn’t Jisung, since I know that’s what you’ve been wanting to believe this whole time.  I don’t think it was Seungmin, either.”

“What does that mean?”  I asked. To this day, I’m not sure if he was telling me it wasn’t Jisung because that’s what I wanted to believe, or because he really thought it wasn’t.  Chan bent down so he was right above me, curls hanging down. “I only came here tonight to talk to you because I wanted you to understand. I know you think there’s something off about me.”

I remembered the smiles and the soft laughs and the questions he never answered, the way he had evaded anything that might show who he really was behind the curly hair and the dimples.  He had never tried to lie outrightly, put on a smile and pretend he was a good person, but he had never showed how he really was either, just calm and quiet.

“But there’s something off about you too.  You know it as much as I know myself. Jeongin, you might not want to admit it to yourself, but you’re just like me.”  He smiled then, dimples appearing, but it wasn’t in a sweet way. “And we both know who killed Felix, let me give you a hint-”  He leaned closer, but I didn’t want a hint, and I slammed backward, tearing off the IV.

My arm started bleeding, dripping across the floor as I tumbled to the ground, needing to get away away away....I don’t know if Chan followed me, but I know I ended up outside in the snow, so white it was like being blind.  It was freezing, but I stumbled onward and onward and onward…

It wasn’t Jisung, it had to have been Chan.

It wasn’t Jisung, it was Chan.

It was Chan.

Not Seungmin or Hyunjin or Minho or Woojin or Changbin or Jisung.

It all made sense.

We weren’t alike.

It was Chan.

IT WAS CHAN, IT WAS CHAN, IT WAS CH-”

_*video had to be stopped at this point and patient sedated when he proved to be unreachable*_

“I’m not a liar.  No matter what I say or have said, I am not a liar.  

As you probably already know, this is a mental hospital, to put it bluntly.  I woke up here after the night I just described, which was three months ago. I haven’t seen any of my friends since then.  

They released Jisung and Seungmin from jail.  I don’t know where they went. Why did they? Because..they’ve told me the scenario so many times, play by play, of what happened that night.  It’s snowing. We’re having a celebration. Felix goes out to use the bathroom. A shadowy figure notices and follows him out, grabbing the baseball bat by the end of the station.

Felix is walking through the woods, quietly, when he hears snow crunching behind him.  He stops and turns, puzzled, to see the follower standing in the trees, highlighted in the dim light of the moon.  “What is it mate?” He asks in his deep voice, noticing the baseball bat. “Dude, nobody is gonna to attack us. You don’t need that.”  The figure steps forward, and then lifts the bat and swings in one violent move, hitting Felix before he even had a chance to react.

Felix slides to the ground, clutching his head, groaning in pain, stunned, and the figure hits him again.  Even when Felix is slumped motionless on the ground, the figure keeps hitting him and hitting him and _hitting_ him.  They hit him until the snow is blood red and Felix’s head is caved in.  Then they stop and stumble back, breathing, smiling, scared and happy.

There are footsteps, and the figure starts, grabbing the bat again, prepared to kill to keep the secret in the ground.  He’s worn gloves-gloves he’ll burn as soon as he gets the chance. It was a premeditated crime, that’s the part they got right.

“Doesn’t it feel gold?”  The newcomer asks, tilting their head.  “Getting rid of another piece of trash.”  He smiles, and the murderer nods. “Give me your gloves.  I’ll get rid of them for you. You don’t want to seem suspicious.”  They’re not in a position to trust, but they hand them over anyways.  There’s blood crusted over the fingers anyways.

“Let’s go back.  When I left, the others were so spaced out they didn’t even notice, but they will eventually.”  They nod, stumble forward, remember to throw the baseball back into a hollow on the earth, snow already drifting over it.

So they went back and slipped in unnoticed, and later Hyunjin came up to me asking where Felix was, and even if I couldn’t remember what had happened in the last fifteen minutes, I suggested we go look for him.  And even when we found his body, all I noticed was Chan’s half smile, the grin he was holding back. I shivered at it then, but I get it now.

I’m just like him, he said.

I killed Felix.

It was as simple as this; everyone loved him.  I already said that, how it hurt everyone and shocked everyone so much.  Everyone freaking loved him. He smiled and people swooned. Nobody got mad and fought with him.  They wanted to keep their relationship intact, have it last forever. Nobody hit him everyday when he went home.  No, even there he was loved, loved so much. He was charming, he was the freaking favorite.

Jisung was my first friend.  No matter what people have said; that he helped me kill Felix even if I never said anything, no matter the bad things hidden behind the face mask and exhausted eyes; he genuinely cared about me.  He was the only one who would ask if I was okay, who stood up for me. He smiled at me and protected me and he was like the friend and the father and the brother I never had.

But Felix was always his number one.  Felix was always the one ahead of me.

I think that’s why I liked and tried as hard as I did to befriend Seungmin.  Because he was the only one who hated my friends as much as I did. Hyunjin was pathetic and weak, Minho and Woojin docile and complacent.  Changbin was loud and cruel, and he acted like he was better than everyone else when he was really just a bully. I liked Jisung. Jisung was the only one I liked.  I just wanted him to love me the most. I was the baby, people were supposed to pick me as the favorite.

And yet it was Felix.

I wanted to get rid of him.

So I did.”

_This is the end of the voice transcript of the video filmed by patient Yang Jeongin, ward A, room 304._

.

.

.

The door opened behind from where Jeongin was seated next to the window, staring out idly.  They had tied down his wrists and feet after he had nearly escaped a few months prior, and they kept it as a precaution now, especially after his outbursts during the video filming.

He turned his head slightly, curious to see who it was.  “Long time no see, Jeongin.” The voice said sweetly, sneakers coming into view.  “Been converted to a perfect golden child yet?” Jeongin laughed, shaking his head.

“Hi, Chan.”

_[end.]_

**Author's Note:**

> And that's it! I debated ending with Jeongin having his freakout but my beta threatened to like attack me so I had to finish it off. There's a fair amount up for interpretation, and I'd love to hear your feedback! 
> 
> (also Chan did not spare Felix any dimes LOL)
> 
> Thanks for reading~~

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Sleeping just to numb the pain](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18050303) by [daughterofthesky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/daughterofthesky/pseuds/daughterofthesky)




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